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Vulnerable and Raw - Excruciatingly Raw

Updated: Mar 11, 2019

2018 for me was a year of getting real with myself and where I was now, what I had been through and where I wanted to go from here. I made the choice to align myself with more of me, make space to grow and truly feel again. I chose to do the hard stuff and dig up old beliefs, past hurts and mistakes to allow me to heal. It was definitely not easy nor did I enjoy the entire experience (that’s me understating). Choosing to be vulnerable and accept what mistakes and damages my past had done to my spirit, destiny and to those around me was real, raw and painful...and yet, the alternative was to live a life of feeling less of the beauty, moving in less than I was created to be, staying where I was and not evolving.  That is simply not in my DNA. There is something innate in me that has to make a difference, an impact in this world. I live from passion and when my senses are muted from being in a protective, survival mode space, things feel hollow, lifeless, ....I am more reactive to situations and people, I am less caring and kind, I feel chaotic, stressed and unsettled. Not really what I am going for in this gift of life I have been given.

What I found from this past year of choosing to feel, expand and be ok with raw and vulnerable, was myself, my authentic person to tap into again. That young girl that was truly kind hearted. My creativity was stimulated and alive again (thank you Jesus), everyday experiences were filled with joy and enlivened.  I could actually breathe deep, rich breaths again and I gained a greater appreciation for myself and therefore others (it’s amazing how that works, isn’t it).

Every day I now have to make a choice to stay there, remain vulnerable and raw.  I feel the big waves of sadness, disappointment, and hurt that I never fully felt or admitted to before.  I am now softer, more feminine, even more compassionate.  I am also free to feel, taste, hear, touch, see with vivid colors and textures that did not exist when I was locked down and only partially allowing myself to live.  Life is a lot more decadent but with that also comes deciding to be brave daily because it is a bit scarier and more unexpected.  I am not trying to control the outcome constantly (it is a conscience effort and one that I am not always great at)...but that’s where the exciting adventure comes in now, isn’t it!  Where you have no idea what is going to happen next.  What I can tell you is this, when I was trying to control everything and make things happen I always seemed to end up back at ground zero (yes, more than once, I apparently am a tad hard headed, upon occasion have been called stubborn).  Now I constantly remind myself to let go.  I release my ideas and attachments to the outcome and embrace the natural flow of what is happening.  I try and ride the wave, but with more wisdom than I had in my 20’s.

Full disclosure, I am one of the most human people you will ever meet.  I am constantly making mistakes and occassionally doing really stupid shit!  However, my intentions are good hearted (unless you piss me off and then that whole German passion thing may possibly take over) and with failure comes growth and greatness!  I am on a mission to live my best most accelerated and extraordinary life in 2019!  Will you join me?  What is one lesson you learned in 2018 and what is one thing you want to accomplish or change for 2019?  Let’s do this, together! Xoxo JG

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